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12:40pm 06/08/2007
  Haven't smoked in forever, but I kinda want a cigarette right now. Maybe some vanilla tobacco, just to be light about it. Nnnnah. Not a good idea. Smoking's truly bad for ya.
Been thinking lately about what I've been doing with my life. I've done a lot of good things, a lot of really shitty things... But most of all, I've done nothing. I've learned from other people. That's the thing to do, right? I guess it's what makes us human, is to learn and apply the things we learn. Still, I can't help feeling lately like I'm not teaching anyone anything. I'm mostly just the big brother that gets the young'uns to go to sleep at night. Still, being a big brother's cooler than cool. Other'n that...I sometimes wonder how people are doing... y'know, the people that I've left behind either by choice or by circumstance. I vowed not to worry about the bastards that've chosen to leave me behind for shitty reasons. I'm not perfect, so there're people that've hurt me bad enough where I wish they'd just drive into a ditch. Gotta wonder if other people I've left behind wish bad things on me. Prolly not. I don't tend to jab people's eyes out with a hot poker and spit on them before I go on my merry way.

The point is... I wanna start making something of myself. I just don't know where to begin. I don't wanna do it in the way that I have been. I wanna be good while I'm being good at something. I get a bad rap for being the guy that's able to put down any sumbitch that crosses, and while in some cases that's been true, it's not like it's all that glorious to knuckle dust somebody. Winning usually feels like shit even if you know you did it for justified reasons. It usually doesn't make the other person change, either. Working in a flower shop was healthy... Learned a lot from ol' lady Platt before she left it behind for me. She didn't really know I was such a roughhouser when I got there, though. I wonder if she knows it now, or something... What she'd really think of me. What my little brothers and sisters would think if they knew... I dunno. They'd accept me for being the asshole that I am, probably. Family is weird like that.

I dunno. I've gotta make a difference somehow. I intend to make it how I can. Sorry ahead of time.		  
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07:13pm 12/05/2007
  I... just... don't have words anymore.  
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06:46pm 09/05/2007
  I'm really glad Leon tells me these things...

...Reagan, why you'd want to keep going back to her side, I don't know. I don't want to allow it, but I want you to do whatever you want... So do whatever you want. I'm not a good enough person in this life yet where I get to decide things for anyone.

...Evelyn, I don't know why you think you deserve so much after walking off. You only had to be told once that you could only lead one life before you walked off and chose that one. Are you not content to have caused suffering you don't have to take responsibility for? You escaped it. Be content. Be content that I have to continue thinking about you whenever I see a sad look on Jin or Simon's faces. Be content that you're not in a cage anymore. BE CONTENT, but please stop rattling the bars for the rest of us that don't want to or can't escape. That life's happier for you, so have it. Have it and be happy. Be content.


...
Ms. Platt would call me dumber than nine chickens right now. I'm just gonna go to sleep...		  
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O_O   
10:37am 02/03/2007
  ...XD "Goodbye."

I laughed so hysterically that I think I broke my spleen. D: Now I'm dying. I'll have to send you sympathy cards.

:D Thank you, Rew.		  
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07:22pm 18/10/2006
  I'm sick and tired of people being sad. Evelyn makes me sick, but not sad.

Yeah, I saw goodness in her, but the fact of the matter is that when she was given a choice, she chose them. She's THEM now. Let her be a happy little fucking lemming. Pardon my crude language, but let her suck clique dick and be a social prostitute. Why care? She never cared for any of us as much as she claimed to, or she never would've left. She doesn't even have the balls to try to prove me wrong because of how true that is.

Here's the timeline.

She skanks behind our backs and doesn't listen to Jake at all.
Lies to Jin when she lands a job with a person she claimed to 'hate'.
Jin gets pissed, tells her she'll never be truly happy.
Life goes on.
She ruins my whole damn year by being a dumbass attention whore.
I went crazy and 'ran off'.
She continues to rape everyone's good faith anyway.
She leaches a 50$ birthday gift off Simon that she doesn't deserve.
She leaves us. Completely.
She gets a bad hair cut and thinks she's badass.
Jin finally goes crazy.
Ao tells her not to show her face.
Leaves us MORE completely.

The end. Throw myspace in there somewhere, and we have ourselves the birth of a social whore.

She got everything she wanted, and now she's gone. Let's disinfect our wounds and move on, please. I'd like to forget about her as soon as possible.		  
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03:17am 25/06/2006
  I quit my job on a whim, because my whim reminded me how few letters I've written to deserving people.

And here goes. Here's ALL of my writing talent for the night...


Freckles are cute.


Oh yeah. FEEL the talent OOZING from within my words!
I'll have to think of something later. u_u;		  
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11:12am 08/06/2006
 
Here I stand remembering laughter...
Things you'd say and the things you do...
How you shined your light on me,
Now it's seeing me through.

Time can heal in ways unknown
That make us feel some relief from the pain.
Time's a master, he knows the score;
Now we're smiling again.

But all for the chance to hold you again;
All for the chance to show that I care.
But you're still with me; your love still shines
While the sun is still there.

Often times I think of moments,
happy times that you gave us with love...
How your smile could brighten our day
Like the sunshine above.

If you see from where you are
Then you will know that I'm shedding a tear.
Seeing visions, happier times,
When you were still here.

But all for the chance to hold you again.
All for the chance to show that I care.
But you're still with me; your love still shines
While the sun is still there.

Memories floating through my mind...
I smile, I cry, to blue skies I stare.
Please believe me; your love still shines
While the sun is still there.
  
     
 
   
10:06pm 27/05/2006
  I certainly have thoughts, but I have no idea what they're of. They're little fragments of thoughts, perhaps buds of thoughts waiting to bloom.

There are pieces of me missing, but they're good pieces to be missing. I'm not as violent, I don't love to fight, and I'm not as envious as I used to be. I'm two Sins lesser. I do have a lot of anger, so that's a tiny bit of "wrath" which remains. I'm working on that.

Life here is the same as ever. The same chaotic nonsense around the house, the same bullshit outside of the house, but there's stuff missing. I don't have things to look forward to, and I don't wake up quite as happy every morning. I study religion, and I've begun work at a church, even if I'm an atheist. I think faith in anything is good as long as it's not blind faith. I'm not preaching or anything... I simply move stuff around for them and take calls. I arrange appointments with a coordinator for weddings, and little menial tasks like that.

Still, I don't have things to look forward to, and it's my fault for making things awkward. I don't know that things could ever be the same after I ran away so abruptly, but I still think Reagan is just about the greatest thing in the world. Oops. Thought bloomed, I guess.

Reagan - I wish you all the happiness in the world. I know I'm not the person who could ever make you as happy as you deserve to be, and it's not really fair that you do that for me despite my incapability to return it. Please do whatever you feel is necessary to be happy. That means you've gotta stop worrying so much (because I'm sure you've been doing that) and just try to take life as it comes. Changing everything for the better is a tough job, so when you simply cannot change things to suit them, I wish you serenity. I know you're smart enough to know the difference between what should and shouldn't be changed.		  
     
 
   
08:29pm 19/05/2006
  Life is but a pack of lies that gets shuffled again and again to suit a powerful hand. When the five players in a hand are all wearing the same suit, the dealer just stifles a crooked smile so he can keep his poker face. The hand is played with calm malice, and bony fingers rake in the chips when he's won. What's it all for? Just to feel the thrill of winning?

I'm glad that you're all relieved that I'm back, but one of you in particular, with styled hair and a stupid grin, shouldn't put on a sympathy face and pretend to care. Or is it all for the thrill of belonging? I wouldn't have left in the first place if you'd had ever had a single thought which actually expressed any concern for my well-being, so don't act relieved once you've heard that I'm back. Case closed.

As for anyone who sympathizes with her for anything, go straight to hell and kiss Satan's ass. She exists as a Barbie doll, only doing and saying what she thinks is perfect and cool, or otherwise doing everything that everyone tells her to do. She keeps no promises. She's a mindless, heartless puppet with no wings and no brain. I loathe her, but pity her in knowing what she'll grow up to be -- a wine-swilling, french fry-scarfing, stay-at-home soccer mom with a Hummer (because she'll think they're so cool), scraggly hair from all the dye jobs, and a therapist for when "things get tough." She'll love every minute of it, even if her marriage was just for show and her hubby's been cheating on her for being such a swine. At least he'll still bring home the money, less what he spends at Motel Six with Tara from the corner of Fourth and Sixth.

If you don't learn from your mistakes and keep making them so thoughtlessly, then you did them intentionally from the beginning anyway.
This entry is no mistake. If she keeps being a puppet, she'll end up like that.

Time for proof, since she provided it.

"Haven't been online much. At all. I've been getting up around 10 or 12, doing chores, drawing, reading, vegging out, and then going to work... coming home, going to bed, or going to my brother's house and watching movies with him and his friends... not much really exciting."

Wait. Then...

"Hope you're all doing okay. I don't mean to never be on, but I'm really just too tired to get on the computer when I get home after work... I might get on more before work, now, but if I start working double shifts, I dunno...
Well, I guess we'll see. I like my computer too much to stay away too long. XD"

Let me get this straight... So you veg out, but you ~sure hope that everyone's doing alright~! Fuck you. Go piss in a ditch and then lie in it. You don't give one flying fuck how anyone's doing, and you know it. You'd rather lick trendy boots than have any value in your friendships, you slagpole. Quit pretending.		  
     
 
   
11:28pm 18/05/2006
  For what it's worth, I'm back. I severely doubt those words are of much value to anyone except for my family. I realize I'm at fault for leaving, so you don't have to tell me. I feel the full brunt of responsibility for my actions, but I already know what will be said.

"I'm so glad you came back!"
"How could you ever leave us?"
"Don't ever do that again."

The choice was mine to make, and I made it. I don't regret it, even if I unintentionally caused some pain. When pain is gone, if it's truly gone, it's like it was never there. While I understand that there might be some concern as to if I'll ever run off again, I could never assure that I wouldn't. There will be no such sugar-coated reassurances. It's time for me to grow up, even if I don't want to.

That being said, everyone can rest easier knowing I'm still alive and well, but everyone must know that I'm never going to react to or think of people and circumstances in the same way again. That's what my leaving was all about. You'll have to learn to love me as I am or get out of my face - I won't have it any other way.		  
     
 
 
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